


Deadpool's Mad Adventures

by iamthenight



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Marvel Universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-02-09 20:56:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1997496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamthenight/pseuds/iamthenight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Deadpool is trying to make sense of his life, or as much sense as he possibly can. With the help of his friends and a certain spider themed hero he might be able to do it. Welcome to Deadpool's Mad Adventures.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Vandalism is a gateway crime

**Author's Note:**

> True to usual Deadpool fashion there are voices in his head. Just two actually.  
> 《Hello, I try to be the voice of reason, or what little reason could be thought up by a psychopath.》  
> [And I like to kill stuff, oh and eat tacos]  
> 《Is that all you are a garbage disposal and a killing machine?》  
> [Is there anything else to be?]  
> 《You're lucky you don't make us fat...or get us put in jail.》  
> [Ignore him hes just jealous I'm the fun voice.]  
> 《Your ruining the notes, we were just supposed to introduce ourselves.》  
> [whatever just tell them we're crazy. Did you get that reader? I'm assuming you did. Enjoy the madness!]  
> 《What he said; welcome to our circus.》

Deadpool gave the almost empty can a quick shake, trying to get the last of the black paint out. He looked at his amazing [hehe pun] handiwork and smirked. That would teach Spidey to have Two movies...deadpool didn't even have one. *cough Ryan Reynolds get on that cough* That's not even counting Toby Maguire's excuse for movies.

[Psh like Mary Jane would go for that nerd. ]

《She actually did go for peter. They got married and everything...》

[But wasn't that like an alternate universe or whatever? These whole story arc things make my brain hurt...]

《You're telling me.》

"You know vandalism is a segway to violence..."

"Hey baby boy we were just talking about you!"  Wade looks up at webhead chilling on the rim of the billboard.《Ask him about the Mary Jane thing!》"How's the wife?"

"Wife? Wade I'm in highschool, what are you talking about?  Nevermind..." Pete, sighing, shook his head. [Aha! So we were right, that was a different arc!] Spider-man jumped down from the billboard. "Nice work by the way. Real mature." They stood shoulder to shoulder appreciating the newly mustached masked face of the friendly neighborhood nuisance. Wade contemplated his artwork before adding a goatee and uneven angry eyebrows.

"Now that's art." He finished with a DEADPOOL RULEZ! and threw the can over his shoulder.

"So Spidey my boy what's my favorite red and blue vigilante doing in Queens." Wade threw his arm around Pete, heading for the edge of the building.

Peter shrugged his arm off. "I live here...I mean I used to..." Pete tried hastily to change the subject "Why are you here Wade? It's not like you have any friends to check up on." Pool stopped and clutched his heart.

"Petey that hurts..." He faked a sob, but ended up laughing. He picked up the kid squeezing him In a hug. "You know you love me baby boy!"

"Deadpool...hnmf...put me down...Wade, fine yea. We're cool." He squeezed tighter putting his head on spidey's chest "I'm not gonna sayy...ah! Fine I... love.. you... Wade" Spidey gasped between breaths.

"I knew it!”

《You did force him to say it.》

[still counts!]

Spidey clutched his back after Wade finally put him down. “Seriously though, Why are you here Wade? I haven't seen you around New York in months.” Spidey jumped back up to the billboard, kicked back and looked down at Pool with obvious love in his eyes. 《He’s wearing a mask idiot, you can’t even see his eyes.》 [That doesn't mean its not there!]

“Wade you're being creepy...again” You could practically hear the adoration in his voice. 《sigh, you really are certifiable you know?》 [Says the voice in his head] 《...Touche.》

Wade stopped staring and walked to the edge of the building. He stuck out his arms like a tightrope walker and started across the lip of the roof. Look at all the little ant people.

[Do you have a penny?]   

《Throwing a penny at this height could really hurt someone.》

[So you don’t have one?]

《Sadly, no.》

“I was just in the neighborhood and thought I’d swing by to see you.” [hehe swing] “ You know in your natural habitat...” Pool glanced at spidey as he finished his sentence. He saw the Spider cringe. “Aw Spidey don’t be like that! Come on Baby boy we both know I would have figured it out eventually!” 《Without using S.H.I.E.L.D.’s secret files?》 [and staking Spider-man out after patrols?]

“Shut up the both of ya. I mean I’m no Tony Stark but I’m not Hawkeye stupid.”

“WHO ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO?” Spidey jumped down right in front of Deadpool stopping his high wire act. “Nevermind, Wilson I don’t care how you found out I’m Peter Parker, or where I live, or who my family is... Scratch that I do but it’s not my priority. My priority is that you don’t sell that information to the highest bidder. I mean thats what mercenaries do right? And they call you the merc with a mouth; so talking, and I know this from personal experience, is your thing.” Petey the brave soul jabs his finger at Pool’s chest. “But you're not going to do that. Because for one, I'm one of the only heroes that...”

“appreciates? adores? is completely in love with... ”

“Tolerates you.” Spidey spat out irritated.

“That’s what I said.”

“Wilson can you ever be serious? God this must be what other people feel like talking to me...” Spidey shook his head. “Whatever, Wade you know I’m one of your only, okay fine friends, I guess. So Im assuming that that means something to you and you’re not going to be auctioning off my secret. And two, well If you even think about doing that I will Web you into next week.”

“Babe I love it when you straight talk me.” Petey threw his arms in the air in acceptance 《or exasperation?》 [maybe he just likes throwing his arms in the air...like he just don’t care hehe] “Petey don’t worry! You’ll get wrinkles, and nobody wants a wrinkly Spider-man.” Wilson made a face spidey could see through his black and red mask. “You know I wouldn’t do you like that baby boy! I've almost never told life threatening secrets. And when I did It was only out of love...” 《Of money》 [yea don’t tell the kid that though, I think were convincing him]

“Yea, but I’m not convinced.”

《What were you saying?》

[Shut up.]

“How do I know you won’t just give it to Green Goblin, or Doc Oc, or anyone else who wants to kill me regularly.”

“Petey I’m wounded. I would never aim that low. I would at least go for Doctor Doom. He has way more money. And after what Golbin did to blondie... I could never. That was the saddest issue in your whole arc. I’m not ashamed to admit I cried when Emma Stone took the dive...”

《oh that was the worst》

[Didn’t we decide we wouldn’t talk about Gwennie...*sob*...I’m still grieving.]

“BUT I could never do that to my best pal! Isn’t that right Baby boy?”

“Wade half the time I think you’re completely Psychotic and need some major help, and then sometimes... I feel like you know something the rest of us don’t.”

“Well I’m a mysterious man Petey” Pool made magic fingers and jumped off the building.

 

 


	2. How's it hanging?

He landed on the Fire escape with a thud. Then a creak. Then a crash. “uh Spidey my pal? Petey 'ol chum? me amigo? Baby boy!? I'm in need of some hero assistance. At every word the fire escape fell another few inches. A few more and it would separate from the building and a very sticky flatpool would be covering the pavement 15 stories below.

[So much for your badass exit]

《We would heal you know.》

[But it would hurt like hell]

“Yea It would.” pool answered. Spidey was perched on the lip of the building watching Pool inch slowly toward certain hurt. He knew that pool wouldn't die, Pete also knew that it was going to suck.

“So” the ‘friendly’ neighborhood Spider-man said as he walked straight over the side of the building so that he was parallel to the ground. He crossed his arms and pool could see the smirk under the web-slingers mask. “How’s it hanging?”

“Oh You know, same old same old.” Pool replies clinging by his fingertips to the bar of the fire escape. His feet were dangling over the New york street. This really was gonna suck...

With a final groan the bar pulls free and pool starts to fall. “$#%@!”

《Why did you just name all those symbols?》

[He didn’t want the kids to read any bad words.]

《What kids read Spideypool Fanfiction?》

[The awesome kids!]

“Will you two shut up im trying to fall to my temporary death!”

But Wade heard a thwip and was grabbed by a laughing Spider-man. “Wade I swear you are crazier than a sack of ferrets”

“You are not the first person to say that.” They swung through the air as Spidey slung web after web. He was holding Pool by his utility belt. It wasn’t very dignifying but he did get a good view of baby boys ass. Thank god for spandex.

“So where to my web-headed colleague? Off to save black panther from a tree? or walk Captain America across the street? ooh are we gonna go sew Fury a new eyepatch?! If we are I say we stop at Michael's and get those glitter gems with the explosives in them...”

Spiderman stopped in times square at the top of yet another billboard this one advertising new Stark Tech. “Wade do you ever shut up?”

[Do we?]

《No, I don’t believe so.》

[I didn’t think we did.]

“The voices say no, but I think I do. At least when I’m dead, you know temporarily.”

“Okaaay. So um, I gotta go on patrol. Save people and things like that. So see ya later Wade. Please don’t get into any trouble. I don’t want to clean up your mess.” Peter shoots a web to a building across the street. “Oh and get the gemstones from the craft shop on 7th. Pink is Fury’s favorite.” And he was off, swinging into the sunset.

《Its the middle of the day》

[A guy can dream okay, leave him alone.]

《You know petey’s only like...18 right?》

[and? are you saying we’re old.]

《Yes I am》

[we are kind of old]

“I'm only 23 I don't know what you guys are talking about. Im not old.”

[If you say so.]

《But isn’t Spidey...old in that alternate universe with MJ? I think they even have a kid》

[Oh wow. So really Petey’s the cougar.]

“Yea so botha yea shut up”

Deadpool plopped down on the billboard and thought about how in the world he was going to get down. Spidey totally put him up here on purpose. Probably as payback for figuring out his secret identity. It wasn't Deadpool's fault obviously, he just wasn't a big fan of secrets. Mysteries also bothered him, along with old lady smell. So really it wasn't his fault that he found

《Found?》

[like you just ‘happened’ upon his identity?]

《Seriously ‘found’?》

_he found_ out spider-man’s alter ego. I mean Spider-man swung around with his awesome quips and his red and blue tights, and he didn't think people were gonna get curious? He had known spidey for years. I mean they were both red super heroes, so they tend to have a lot of awesome team ups. Sometimes Daredevil even joins in the fun. But for Pool and Spidey their connection goes deeper than the color red.

[Red is the best color, I don’t know why he would make his costume red and blue. Black is so much more badass.]

《Red, white, and blue is patriotic and everyone likes patriotic; look at Captain america.》

[The Captain is almost as _old_ as America obviously hes gonna be all star spangled, and nobody even likes that senior citizen.]

《If you say so》

“Everyone likes Captain America. Captain America is like, the hero of heroes. Duh.”

He started feeling around his pouches [ that's what she said] for something that could...

“Aha! Grappling hook!”

《That is literally just a rope with a fishhook on it》

[yea, its a hook that you grapple fish with.]

《...I don’t think that's what a grappling hook does》

[Are you sure? I’m almost positive that's what it's for]

"It's perfect!" Wilson attached the hook to the billboard and jumped.

“Spider-man Spider-man does whatever a spider can. loooooooooook ouuuuuu-oooumff” Deadpool hit the ground, hard.

“Itthh thhpidermaahn” Well, seems that wasn't a grappling hook after all.

《Told you》

[Hey I said it was for fish grappling. _I_ didn't tell him to jump]

“Oh quith the thceaming lady” Pool picked his leg up and twisted his foot back to the front.

《Wow she has some lungs》

[Thats what she said]

Snap! ”Oh that’s better..” He worked his jaw getting out the kinks.

《I don't get it》

[neither do I]

“Okay okay lady I realize that its not every day its raining men, but can't you just give a little hallelujah and be on your way. All this screaming is giving my headache a headache.”

[Thank god she stopped.]

《Do you think this is what spider-man meant when he said ‘don’t cause trouble?’》

[psh, this isn't trouble]

“This is just a Tuesday” Pool popped his shoulder back into place, picked up the katana that had fallen out of its sheath, and headed for that craft shop on 7th.


	3. Boobytraps [hehe traps]

"I can not believe they don’t have exploding rhinestones. What kinda crap craft shop was that?” Deadpool slammed the door with necessary force. “Now I only have ordinary non exploding sparkly things for fury’s eye patch. Oh well. I’m sure he won’t be too disappointed when he sees my matching one!” Deadpool snapped his eyepatch on. “Ow! Geez how does he even walk with this thing.” Pool gracefully [*snicker*] avoids a pole. “Maybe I should go pay Uncle Fury a visit. I was gonna save this present for a real holiday, but Arbor day is just so far off.”

Deadpool stuffed both frilly pink patches in one of his special pouches. “Now If I was a super secret one eyed spy where would I be?”

《On the helicarrier?》

[That is Fury’s normal hangout]

“But doesn't that like.. fly and stuff? How in the heckie will I get on it?”

[Are you thinking what I’m thinking?]

《Is it something stupid that spider-man would not approve of?》

[maybe...Yes.]

《Jetpack?》

[Jetpack!!!]

“Ohh I likey. Where can I get one? Hmm we are in New York the super Hero capital of the world. Someone has to have a jetpack handy” Tony Stark Is all electronic-y he probably has one.

《He hates you.》

That is a solid point. “I don’t feel like getting pew pew laser pew’d today. So how about the FF? That Reed Richards probably has some cool new toys for the ‘poolster.”

“They also hate you”

“Right right, Captain America is bound to have some S.H.I.E.L.D. tech around?”

[Eh, I don't know if Captain stars and stripes can hate.]

《But if he could...》

“Okay so nobody is gonna lend me a jetpack I get it. I need to get some friends.”

[There’s always...]

《Don’t even go there.》

“But they probably..”

《Nope.》

[You’re no fun at all...]

《You can’t just come into New York and take stuff from the Avengers. It's practically made up of people that hate you. Especially not right out of avengers mansion!》

[Come on! It would be so cool! Jetpack! You know its worth it.]

《What do I know I’m just a voice in your head... Fine. I can’t resist a jetpack.》

“Avengers Mansion here I come!”

[Oh look we’re already there.]

“Huh, must have been planning on coming here all along. or I just smelled chimichangas. or both” Deadpool was standing outside Avenger's Mansion. Way outside. There are some major walls going on here.

《Probably to keep people like us out》

[Or keep the Hulks bad breath in]

“So how best to go about this?” Pool stood at the (conveniently placed for the storyline) chimichanga cart and waited for his food.

《We could just knock?》

[Or blow the whole place up?]

Pool threw his money at the cartman and shoved his face full of deliciously toxic Mexican food.

“I don fink mah luva thpida mahn will like that” Deadpool shoveled more chimichanga into his mouth.

“What won’t I like?” Spider-man put a few dollars on the counter of the food cart and asked for a taco. Deadpool swallowed and belched awesomely. “Ew...remind me to never put on that mask.”

“Baby boy we were just talking about you! What brings you to this lovely cart of Mexican cuisine?”

“I took Kraven the loser out in central park and thought I’d stop by for a Lunch break.” He held up his freshly made food.”This cart is on my route so Its an easy grab, plus I really love Tacos.”

“Marry me?” Deadpool murmured to his future bride.

“What’d you say?”

“Nothin.” Deadpool finished the rest of his meal with another belch.

“How about you Wade; what brings you to the Avengers front yard? And what is it that I won’t like? Aside from you’re disgusting lack of manners.”

“Oh well ya know just wanted to say hi to some buddies of mine you probably don’t know them. We’re pretty tight actually. I was just gonna stop in ~~borrow a jet pack~~ see what’s hangin, you know the usual.”

“There is nothing ‘usual’ when you’re around Wade, wait did I hear you say jetpack? Nevermind, just tell me if your gonna do anything stupid.”

“I'm not! Boyscouts honor!” Deadpool tried to do the promisey hand thing but just ended up flipping Spidey off.  

《We were never boyscouts》

[He doesn't know that]

“My Deadpool sense is tingling and its saying you're going to do something stupid...and there is no way anyone ever let you into the boy scouts.”

[This kid is good.]

《He has a Deadpool sense.》

He was good. Really good. Like true blue Captain America good. Petey probably was a boyscout. Deadpool almost felt bad coming around, because he was so, well bad. Bad like the thoughts he was currently having about baby boy here.

[I wonder If he senses what we’re thinking now.]

“Wade...what...are...you...doing...” Deadpool was leaning onto the counter staring at Spider-man dreamily with his head in his hands. It’s not as if Petey didn't know that Pool loved him. It was pretty obvious.

“I was just staring into your spider eyes. They’re purdy.”

《Smooth.》

“Oookay then. Now that we have the creepy staring out of the way.” Spidey rubbed his arm uncomfortable with the thick sexual tension. “Seriously Wade what are you doing outside Avengers Mansion. I really don’t wanna see you get squashed by the Hulk. I mean, I know your healing factors good...but it can’t be that good.”

Pool waved Peter’s adorable concern away. “oh me and Hulky we go way back he’s smashed me plenty of times.”

“Thats reassuring.” Pete deadpanned. “You still haven’t told me why you’re here Wade.”

“Okay okay you got me honey bunch I just wanted to give Fury his non explosive eye patch but I didn’t know how so I came here to blow up the mansion to steal a jetpack.” Pete's white spider eyes got wider and wider as Pool talked.

[How does that even happen?]

《You can see his expressions perfectly on his mask.》

[why can’t we do that.]

《Its like he’s straight out of a comic book...》

“Did you ever think of just knocking?” Spidey interrupted his mental discussion.

《Told you.》

“Or you know just asking for a ride...”

“Knocking it is!” Pool threw his arm around Spidey’s shoulder and dragged him to the front gate. A big ass front gate.

《Let me guess...Tony Stark built these?》

“Tony does have a flare for the dramatic doesn't he?” Petey said rolling his eyes at the stupidly fancy iron gate. Seriously how does he do that?.

《Can he hear us?》

[ he hasn't thrown our arm off yet! Progress!]

Spidey glanced over at the suddenly still Deadpool. “What?” His spider eyes did that infuriatingly cute thing they did when Petey was confused. Deadpool leaned in real close and whispered “Can you hear them too?”

Spider-man obviously had reached his craziness limit

《Or his proximity limit》

and threw Deadpool’s arm off and pushed him away. “Wade seriously I’m getting sick of the games, what the Hell are you doing in New York?” Spidey was using his serious voice. “Are you here on business?” That word was so loaded that they both knew he meant Merc business, and the lethal kind. That was fair. Deadpool was a Mercenary, and a damn good one. As wolverine would say ‘I’m the best at what I do, but what I do isn’t very nice’ So yea, It was a fair assumption. But It was wrong.

“Spideykins Im here for the same reason everyone else is.” Deadpool leaned against the obnoxious gate. “To see you in all your spandex glory swing across the city beating up baddies!”

[Seriously how does he do the eye thing?]

“Wade you’re making me rethink being a smartass all the time. It’s not as funny being on the other side of things.”

Spidey was the epitome of all that was punny. It was pools favorite part about spidey.

[other than his ass.]

“Well, obviously.”

“Obviously what?” Spidey looked even more confused.

“Oh nothing I don’t want to make you blush, you’re already so pink around the ears.”

“Okay fine don’t tell me what the dirty voices in your head said about me.”

“Oh if you insist baby boy, They like your ass..ets”

“Are we in 8th grade now? I think I heard Flash use that line, you know minus the schizo part.”

So yea other than Petey’s nice behind this was what ‘Pool loved. This banter back and forth that you just couldn't get from anyone other than the web head.

At the moment Spidey seemed to be waiting for Deadpool to finish his internal monologue. Deadpool forgot all about the jetpack, the Avengers, and Fury. Even the voices were in awe of just how flippin awesome this kid was. Everyone else thought he was just a loose cannon ready to fire at the worst possible moment. At best he was an irritating liability; At worst, a villain. Yeah, Deadpool had earned that. And more. But Pete was right, Deadpool did consider him a friend. Peter was a good kid, and an obviously naive one. He realized that Pool was more than his origin story.

“Wade?”

“Why do you call me that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Wade. Ever since I found out you’re Peter Parker, you call me Wade.”

“Well... I figure were on a first name basis now..and Deadpool never really sounded right anyway.”

The merc with a mouth was silent. The friendly neighborhood spider didn't have a quip at hand.

 

 

“Huh...”

 

 

“Yea...”

 

 

 

“So uh Spidey I don’t really have a plan here and since you are the resident insect hero let me defer to your judgement.” And Deadpool grabbed the unsuspecting Peter and threw him over the giant gate.

《Smooth transition》

“Spiders are arachniiiids!” Pete landed in his classic spider pose on the Avenger's lawn but jumped away suddenly from...nothing? oh wait it's a repulsor blast.

《that's his spider-sense!》

[It warned him before we even saw it! can we get one of those?]

《We would lose a lot less blood...》

“Hey Wade,”  Spidey dodged a second blast by jumping up a tree. “you know I’m going to kill you...” Another came at him just as back-flipped to the ground.  “if I die right?” The tree exploded and Pete grabbed a flying branch from the air, throwing the smoking limb at the repulsor gun. The demolished Stark tech smoked as Petey crossed his arms equal parts annoyed and amused.

“Healing factor! Remember that baby boy? I can’t die, unlike your fragile self.” Pool pointed to another two repulsor guns that appeared at the other end of the yard. He vaulted the gate and joined his lover on the Avengers booby-trapped [hehe trap] lawn.

“That just means I can kill you more than once.” Spidey leaped over an incoming blast causing Deadpool, now standing behind him, to get a huge hit in the leg. “You seem out of practice wade, too many chimichangas?” Pool pulled out his sweet babies, the blades making a nice _shingck_ sound.

“You can never have too many chimichangas!” Deadpool wasn't out of shape he was just... rusty. He had been out of the game for a while. He still loved dicing people to bits but, it just was getting old, the whole anti-hero thing. “Take that you Iron man Knockoffs!” With a slice and a bang the device split in two. Deadpool leaped at Spidey, saving him from a blast that was aimed right at the web-head. “We have to stop meeting like this” Deadpool fanned himself, leaning over an annoyed Spider-man. Suddenly they rolled over so Spidey was on top and a big crater was blasted into the ground next to them. “Oh baby boy! I didn't know you were so dominant.” Deadpool bucked up causing spidey to go head over heels, and saving them from yet another blast. “I like to play rough too.”

Wade could swear the kid was blushing. Their masks were inches apart as he straddled Pete's lean frame. “Wade... what are you...”

[Spidey and Deadpool sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N-G!]

“first comes love...” Deadpool's hand moved toward Peter's mask.

“uh...are we interrupting something?” Peter’s eyes got wide, and Deadpool casually flipped over so that he was facing Tony Stark. “Oh no I was just teaching Spider-man here how _not_ to secure your house. I mean Repulser guns? sooo 1990’s. Isn't that right Spider-chum?”

“Uh yea...” Spidey jumped up hurriedly “Red laser beams are so the thing these days..” Spidey seemed a little off, not as sure of his jokes.

[Did we do that?]

《He probably smelled our breath. That's enough to scare anyone.》

[Or he just is in awe of our manly charm.]

“Alright...We’ll think about that.” Captain America said from beside Tony. “Spider-man. Deadpool.” The Captain nodded to Spidey respectfully and grudgingly to Deadpool. “Spider-man could I speak with you for a moment?”

“Sure Cap.” Spidey lept over to the outer walls of the mansion hanging upside down from a fresh web. Cap followed glancing suspiciously at Deadpool.

[why suspiciously? were not suspicious...]

《we’re the definition of suspicious.》

“What’s up his tights?” Deadpool joked to Tony.

Tony seemed amused, but his crossed arms said otherwise. “I think Cap is worried about the Kid.” Stark shot him a glance. “Maybe hes hanging around with the wrong kind of... well you’re not really a hero are you.”

“T-dog...I’m hurt. You didn't even mean to make that hanging pun did you?” Deadpool held his poor heart. “you wound my wit with your willy nilly punning!”

“Deadpool, we all know you're bad news, even you know that. People get hurt around you, and you’re usually the one doing the hurting. So do us all a favor and keep Spidey out of It. He’s a good kid, and a damn good hero. He doesn't need you to mess that up.”

Exactly what Deadpool had been thinking. He knew all of this. And yet, he couldn't help it. He couldn't help but be drawn by Peter. Maybe it was because he was so damn good.

Over by the mansion the soldier and the vigilante’s talk was getting heated. Spidey was flinging around his arms like an adorable kitten. All excited about some yarn. Pete dropped from his web and looked the Captain in the eye. Cap shook his head and crossed his arms. Deadpool could _just_ hear a few things Spidey said “You... don’t know... no one.. ever bothers... not that bad...broken man!” Deadpool wasn't the sharpest katana in the bunch but he did know that baby boy was defending his honor.

[That's hot]

《we think everything he does is hot》

[and your point?]

Now Captain Rogers arms burst forward and one pointed in Deadpool’s direction. “Good kid...nothing but trouble...deserve better... company you keep... a hero spider-man!” Spidey looked like he wasn't hearing it. He held up his little spider hand and said something to Cap. The Soldier stopped and begrudgingly waved him back toward Deadpool.

“Come on Wade lets get out of here...”

“But what about the jetpack? Nevermind...are we going to your spider-cave?!”

“Wade how many times do I have to tell you! I don’t _have_ a spider-cave!”

They swung off the newly destroyed lawn of the avengers, Deadpool admiring Spidey's ass while Pete held on to the Merc's utility belt.

And as they did, two veteran heroes shook their heads at the future in store for a good boy and a bad man.

[Should we tell Petey we bought him a Spider-cave?]

《I don't think he's in a good mood, let's wait till next chapter.》


	4. Introductions in the Spider-cave

“So Baby boy, I have a confession...”

“Please don’t make anymore comments about my butt. I will drop you this time.”

“Though your behind is delicious, I was actually gonna say that since you are one of the only superheroes without a secret lair...”

“You did not...”

“Oh Spidey don’t thank me! It was nothing. Only took a couple beatings, a few robberies, an attempted murder or two."

"MURDER?!?"

“Attempted. I know how you are with the no unalive-ing thing.”

[Unalive-ing?]

《It’s a bad joke from the Disney marvel show . They watered us down so the kiddies wouldn’t hear the word ‘Kill’.》

[Yea, cuz unalive-ing is so much better. They’re kids not brain dead.]

“That doesn’t make it better Wilson.” Spidey shot a web to the top of the Bugle building. J Jonah Jameson’s ridiculously mustached face screaming about the spider-menace from a digital billboard. Deadpool smiled to himself seeing that Spidey hit JJ right between the eyes.

“You and your morals. It’s so cute.” Pool didn’t know how much more swingin around him and his belt could take.

《Maybe you shouldn’t have had those last 5 chimichangas.》

[You can never have too many chimichangas. How many times do I have to say it!]

“Uh Spidey, the ol’ healing factors already taken a buttload of beatdown today. I don’t wanna pull another concrete swandive if you get my drift.” There was a small ripping sound and Spidey quickly slung them to the nearest roof.

“Lets see, we are? oh the warehousey part of the city!”

[How convenient!]

《This writer’s not very good at subtle scene transition is she.》

*Shut up, this is my first fanfiction. Let’s see you write one.*

[We have. Hundreds of them.]

《They’re mostly spideypool.》

[and a few wolverine.]

《There was the one about Black Widow too, but she found it...》

[and tracked us down...]

《Let’s just say she gave our healing factor a workout.》

[and she shot our laptop! It cost, like a whole bunch of attempted murders!]

《attempted?》

[ Maybe we did unalive a few people... but what’s important is she shot our laptop! I had a simpool on there! He was just about to fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a garbage man. *sobs* now hes gone!]

“This is where you’re spider-cave is!” Deadpool jumped up and down in a very manly and not at all childish way, excited to show Petey his new pad.

“My spider-cave...is in a warehouse? I expected more of well, a cave.”

“That’s what the villains will think too!” Deadpool grabbed Spidey’s arm and started pulling him in the direction of his new spider-cave. “My smart voice thought it up. He’s the brains of the ‘poolster.”

《I am.》

[Hey!]

“oh yea and my other voice, normally found in a white box, did the interior design.”

“Oh...Thats...helpful of them?” Spidey had gotten used to Deadpool’s craziness and this didn't bother him at all.

《How is it that the voice in your head is saner than you are?》

“The world may never know...” ‘Pool answered.

“Know what?” Spidey answered the answer not meant for him.

“How awesome your spider-cave is! You have to keep it a secret. Otherwise it wouldn’t be a secret lair at all” Deadpool hooked arms with Pete. “We’re almost there.”

[He’s letting us touch him!]

Spider-man followed Deadpools lead. You could only see a small amount of concern in the corner of his mask’s spider eyes. “So...other than the blood money used to pay rent, there wasn’t any ya know...unaliving?”

“Baby boy this isn’t a kids show. We are strictly rated R,” Deadpool shot Pete a wink. “ We can use the ‘K’ word here. and no I did not kill anyone. I pinkie promise!” Spider-man ignored Pool’s offered pinkey, continuing down the alleyway.

“Honey were home!” Deadpool kicked open the massive and broken door to the most rundown warehouse in the city. The beaten door burst in and collapsed in pieces. “I.. uh meant to do that... all part of master Pool’s plan!” Deadpool gestured to the glorious emptiness of the warehouse.

“Um. Wade? Did ‘white box voice’ shirk his duties?”

[hehe duty...]

“Petey. Just bask in the glory. This is a SECRET lair remember! All secret lairs must have...” Deadpool grudgingly let go of Parker to run across the room to a desk or a bookcase.

[Well which one is it?]

《It’s so decrepit who the hell knows?》

[the real question is, what the hell’s a ‘decrepit’]

Pool pulled out the only working drawer and pushed a big red button on the bottom. To Spider-man's surprise and awe the bookdesk popped up to reveal a hidden staircase. “Wow Wade...I wow.”

Deadpool waltzed smugly back to Petey. “I finally made the amazing, no spectacular, nay the ultimate! Spider-man speechless! It feels good being good.” Pool threw his arm around Pete's shoulder and pulled him toward the secret stairs. “Just wait Baby boy it gets even better!”

***

“Really?” Spidey’s eyes formed an almost perfect line, except for the little pinch at the corners. He was taking a minute to adjust to the sheer awesomeness that is his new Spider-cave.

“What? secret high tech entrances are expensive... I can’t spend all my murder money on you, ya know.”

"I’m going to ignore that. But really a helicopter...made out of a cardboard box... a TV with spanish cable? What would I even need that for an...Wade why are there dresses!?"

"Disguises, dinnerwear, you name it! You never know when a maid costume will come in handy, if you know what I mean." Pool nudged Spidey winking provocatively.

"No. I can honestly say I don't."

"That's alright, neither do I!" Pool again hooked Spideys arm before he could get away, talking in a grand lecture voice. "Let us get on with the tour shall we? And on our right you will see a cardboard polymer spider-chopter bound with premium grade tape de’duct. On your left a smorgasbord of disguises and hangers for your spare suits. Now down on the end we have a fully stocked kitchen, and by fully stocked I mean you have a fridge full of mexican goodies. There is also a big screen TV with all the good channels, spanish soap operas and porno, some explosives, and last but definitely the greatest the spider-couch!"

“Did you need to spray paint my face onto everything?” Spidey had been patient and held in this burning question throughout the tour.

“Obviously! Otherwise this would be just a regular couch. Now it's a spidey-couch!”

“Okay.” Spider-man collapsed into the surprisingly comfortable couch and groaned loudly.

“Okay? Thats it?”

“Yea. Just, okay.”

“Well then, Okay.” Deadpool collapsed next to him and groaned louder, not to be outdone.

“Rough day Petey?” Pool glanced at him and saw his head was already thrown back. You could practically feel the waves of exhaustion coming off of him. “Yea, you’ll get those being a hero and all. Me? I’m stress free.” Wade said nonchalantly. That made Pete’s head turn, and his spider eyes squint.

“I don’t get you Wade. You act so tough and so, well no better way to say it, crazy.” Spidey’s head was just laying on the top of the couch, looking at Deadpool with his eyes all squinted. It was pretty adorable. “sometimes I feel like you want to be a hero, but then you do something off the wall and ruin it. Why?”

  


It took a few beats for Pool to get the words to answer that,

[Geez that got intense fast.]

《No kiddin.》

and when he did find the words he didn’t feel like saying them. So he didn’t.

He just took off his mask.

“Oh god...Wade you're even more handsome than the last time I saw ya.”

“haha Pete good try... I know I’m uglier than a burn victim put through a blender.”

“Yea well, no ones perfect. Except J. Jonah Jameson, at least that's what he’s been telling me for years.”  Pete rolled his spider eyes

[still don’t know how you can tell...]

and slipped his mask off his head.

Wade had seen Peter Parker before ( he had staked the kid out just a few times)

《A few?》

but never up close, not in person like this. He was cute under the mask. Surprisingly so. He had a nerdy way about him but Deadpool could tell he wasn’t just some science geek. It wasn’t just the incredibly sexy bruise he was sporting on his cheek, or the tiny, barely visible scar on the bridge of his nose. Deadpool was a mercenary, and as was said before a damn good one. He could tell this kid is a fighter.

Pete fidgeted with the mask in his hands but looked sternly at Deadpool. “Well you already know my secret identity. So why don’t we officially introduce ourselves; I’m Peter Parker. Sciencewiz and quip slinging half arachnid. I take pictures of myself for money and I’m technically an orphan."

"Technically?"

"I have an Aunt, she's practically my mom, and my uncle, but he uh, he died a few years back. His name was Ben. It was my fault actually, and that’s why I became spider-man. Thats why I’m a hero."

"That sucks. I'm sorry." Deadpool shifted uncomfortably. All this mushy backstory stuff was not his thing. He would rather be shooting, or stabbing, or even eating chimichangas.

"Well you know, with great power comes great responsibility and all that. Now this is usually the part where you tell me your painful and embarrassing secrets." Peter looked about as ready for that as Deadpool was but didn't back down. He seemed determined to do this introduction thing.

"I'm an open book what can I say? I mean you probably know as much as I do. I'm Wade Wilson. I have pointy swords, lots of guns, and a few screws loose. I’m canadian...or at least I think so... and I was a part of the good ol’ weapon X program that Wolvie got his steel cojones from. I kinda ~~,had cancer~~ , volunteered for the job and got burned...literally. So I won’t be winning any beauty pageants but I can grow back my fingers so you know, it worked out in the end."

“wait...so you’re canadian?” Peter pointedly ignored the cancer bit.

“Yea, last I checked.”

“So, do you like pancakes? with maple syrup and Canadian bacon. Eh?”

“Haha very funny. But I actually love pancakes, and ham.”

“Wanna go get some? You know as normal people?” Pete gestured to his costume.

“Like...on a date?” Deadpool waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

Peters face was more red than his costume. “um I just... I thought we could just..you know...”

Deadpool really wanted to kiss him then. The poor thing just looked so frazzled and surprised. He didn’t. He just laughed it off and pulled Petey up from the couch. Like Stark said, Deadpool was no good. And Pete, he was nothing but good. But for once Deadpool would do the right thing. He wouldn’t get involved with Peter. Not like Pete would even want to get involved with Deadpool anyway. Fantasies of the web slinger would have to do.

“Baby boy don’t worry I don’t like labels either. Let me just go change into my street clothes and we can eat flapjacks till we both go into a food coma. I’m buying!” Pool dragged him toward the secret back exit. Deadpool glanced over at Peter Parker. Still a little flushed and trying his best to just go with the madness.

“Hey Pete?” Deadpool pulled him to a stop.

“Yea Wade?”

“Thanks.”

“for what?” Pete looked at him curiously. God how could someone so powerful be so goddamn adorable? Deadpool had felt a spider-punch to the face before and it was not fun. Petey was seriously strong. So how in the world could he look like that?

“You are one of the only people I know who doesn't treat me like I’m a villain. So thanks for that, and for calling me Wade, and for just... ah you know what? fuck it.” Deadpool gently but firmly grabbed Peter’s jaw and drew his lips to Pool’s own.

Deadpool never was very good at doing the right thing.


	5. Get a Job

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for anyone that actually cares about this silly story that this chapter took so very long. I just started my first year of Uni and it took up a lot more of my time than I thought it would. SO here is the new chapter and the next one will hopefully be posted by tomorrow. Thanks for reading!

Deadpool gets hit a lot, and by lots of people. He’s been pounded full force with Captain America’s shield, been pummeled by the Hulk, one time he even got his head chopped off (long story). Little Peter Parker had come at Pool before; he was strong. Deadpool knew that, but this was worse. Why did it hurt like hell when puny Parker punched him in the jaw?

[that was your pride crumbling]

《along with your jaw bone》

“Wade!? What the hell?” Peter backed away from Deadpool his face a mix of surprise and confusion. Maybe there was a little anger too. Deadpool just held his jaw and tried to laugh it off.

“oh sorry bab...um... Pete. I had a hallucination you were Fabio... come to rescue me from the terrible San Antonio Bandit and bring me chimichangas. I was just thanking you like any proper damsel in distress would...” Deadpool laughed halfheartedly. The other half sounded a bit hysterical. Peter’s shoulders drooped and Pool could see the anger fall away.

“Um. Alright, Wade. I just want to be clear here. I’m um... not gay?”

《He doesn't sound too sure about that.》

Pete cleared his throat and stood a little straighter. “I’m not gay.”

[That was a little better, but puff out your chest a little more.]

“Good to know” Deadpool moved his newly healed jaw. “Now I won't set you up with Hawkeye. He’s been looking for someone to bulls-eye, if you know what I mean.”

Petey made a face. “Ew...I did not need that mental image.” Deadpool raised an eyebrow with a smirk. Pete’s face flushed Spidey red once again. “I um...better get home. I gotta see Aunt... stuff. I have stuff.” Peter Parker rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Um yea.” He nodded at Deadpool, and took off into the city.

[Well you fucked that one up quick didn't you?]

《Do we do it any other way?》

Deadpool sighed “I need to stab something...” and dialed Weasel.

***

“I’m not talking to you.” Weaz grumbled over the phone.

“Aw...Weazy you’re not still mad are ya?” Deadpool sighed into the phone. Seriously it wasn't even that big of deal. Actually, Pool couldn't remember what he did but it probably was nothing.

“Wade you nearly got me killed. Of course I’m still mad!” Weasel spit out. Deadpool could practically see his pouting face. “You can’t just steal money from a kingpin and tell him where I _live_. I had to give him almost everything I had so he wouldn't kill me! Or at least what he thought was all I had. If I learned anything from the 6 years I’ve worked with your dumb ass is it's better to be safe than sorry when it comes to cash... that and to never eat more than my weight in Mexican.”

Deadpool could tell Weaz was losing his resolve. He and Deadpool may have a rocky friendship, but it was a friendship. One that was mutually beneficial really. Deadpool will admit he put Weaz in peril more than he probably should, but hey what are friends for. Deadpool makes the cash, Weaz makes the gear. Its a win win. Plus, it’s not like they were just loaded with other friends, though that may be due to Deadpool’s crazy rather than Weasel's ability to make them. “Oh come on Weasel you know I’m good for the moola. And that bum wouldn’t really kill you.” Deadpool hoped he was convincing. He actually didn't even remember this bad guy, or what he’d done to piss him off. Oops.

“Yea whatever... so It’s been a while since you called me for a job, or for anything really. What’s that about? You got a new source? He better not be getting a bigger cut than me!”

Deadpool rolled his eyes. “Nah Weaz you’re the only geek for me...”

[what about Pete? in glasses...]

“Well the only one on the payroll. I just haven't felt up to doing the whole stabbing shooting explosions thing lately. But I need a job now, like now now. Something close, easy. Quiet probably would be good... but let’s not make any promises I can’t keep.”

He heard clicking on the other line as Weasel looked up a gig. “So what’s up with you Wilson? Why’d you really stop with the merc biz? You losing your...”

“Weaz, we may be buddies but that doesn't mean I won’t stab you. Again.” Deadpool’s voice dropped dangerously low. “I’m not losing anything. Just give me the damn job.” Deadpool heard Weasel gulp on the other end of the line.

“Yea, you got it boss. No need to get your scary voice out.” Deadpool chuckled. Weaz was a good friend. He would never tell the man that, but he was. “There’s a clean B&E job over on 5th. They want as little damage as possible, to the house that is. The tenant on the other hand, well, broken bones are for a bonus.

“Send me the details, I’ll send you your cut. Oh and don’t wait up honey-bunch; Daddy’s working late.” Deadpool's grin could have soured milk.


	6. Brought a Gun to sword fight

The curtains shift just before the lights go out. Deadpool threw his binoculars into his dufflebag, grabbing a grappling hook.

《Thats a real one right?》

Pool pulled the trigger. The hook shot lightning fast across 5th to the apartment building’s roof.

“That looks pretty fuckin real.” Deadpool smiled at his gear. This was what it’s all about. When he was 6 years old he dreamt about this. Not about the killing, okay maybe he did a little bit, but mostly he dreamt about the toys. If there was one thing Deadpool had, other than a few screws loose, it was badass toys. “Cowabunga!” Deadpool ziplined across the street to the roof of the building like the ninja he was. He hit the gravel top in a role. He popped back up, katana in hand.

《Looks like there’s nobody on the roof.》

[Aww but I wanna cut somebody]

“Yea and I want Ryan Reynolds to return my letters about my new movie but we can’t always have what we want.”

[We’re getting a movie!? Finally.]

《2016 on Valentine’s Day. Take that Rom-Coms.》

“Guys, game faces. We got work to do.”

《We don’t have faces; we’re voices, or sometimes boxes, remember.》

[I wish I had my own face. Oh the things I would do with a mouth...]

“Whatever. Shut up someone's gonna hear us.” Deadpool unsheathed his other katana slicing through the the doorknob to the roof access door.

《Still voices in your head. You’re the only one talking.》

[I think Petey can hear us tho...It’s kinda creepy.]

“You know I’m doing this to not think about the kid right? so shut the hell up. I gotta go stab somebody.” Deadpool was really getting sick of only talking to his boxes. Most of the time the jerks just made fun of him anyway. I mean sometimes it was useful having someone else in your head to watch out for you on jobs.

《Like right now.》

[We got a bogey at 3 o’clock...or is it 6...I’m a box I can’t tell time.]

Deadpool was on the stairs heading down to the penthouse suite, and someone was heading up. Pool pushed off the railing, katanas in hand, stabbing into the ceiling getting a firm hold. Asshat. This dulls his babies. He held himself straight as a board. The man walking up the stairs didn't look up. He spoke “Roof Clear” into an earpiece. Must be protection for the other asshat. Deadpool waited for the man to start back down the stairs before he dropped down silently to follow. Deadpool followed for a few minutes taking pleasure in the fact that mr. asshat didn’t notice him. Deadpool couldn’t help it and let out a giggle. But when mr. asshat turned around Deadpool was gone.

Deadpool tapped mr. asshat’s shoulder. He wipped back around.

“Made you look.” Pool uppercut the guy’s jaw with the hilt of his katana.

《One baddie down.》

[Who knows how many to go...this is gonna be fucking awesome.”]

Deadpool crept from landing to landing knocking out every goon. He hadn’t used stealth in a long time. He forgot how fun it was to be ninja.

[We’re always ninja. Look at our pointy swords!]

He went through probably 10 guys before he came to a door that Tony Stark himself would approve of. Now was time for the real fun to begin. Deadpool kicked open the door. Two gorgeous guns already in his hands, he yelled ”stick’ em up ya yellow belly.” in his best drawl. Captain Asshat lay on a giant waterbed with two much younger half naked girls. Ahh. Deadpool loved his job.

“Howdy there young ladies.” Deadpool tipped his nonexistent hat. “Yall better be scurrying off, us men gotta have us a chat.” The ladies grabbed what they could find of their skimpy clothing and ran frightened from the room. One of them winked at Pool as she ran in slow motion.

《I think she was crying.》

[But the slow mo sure was nice...mmm]

《You're terrible.》

[It’s what I do.]

“Will you two shut up, this is my favorite part!”

“Pu-pleease I-I...” The old guy raised hands above his head in surrender as he blubbered.

“Oh shut up ya old Geezer.” Deadpool lowered his guns taking his sweet time walking over. He could already see the money bath he was going to take.

《It’s about time, you need a bath.》

[We only bathe in money.]

《Well...then we need to make more of it, because we reek.》

[Fine, we’ll beat this guy up, and be swimming in Benjamin's before dawn.]

This was just too eas-

“Sonofabitch!” Deadpool held his now lead filled shoulder gingerly. “You shot me! You shot me right in the arm!”

“Really? Austin Powers? Thanks for the Idea.”

[Oh I know this one! He’s going for the headshot!]

“Oh yea baby!” Pool lept to the side the bullet grazing his previously uninjured arm. “Fuck!” Pool whined. He knew it would heal but...

“You know these costumes aren't cheap!”

《Actually they are, we make them ourselves.》

[Yea! I have the scars to prove it.]

《We’re covered in scars you idiot.》

[Well a few of them are definitely from sewing accidents...]

“Will you two shut up I’m trying to have a verses here!”

Deadpool threw his guns back in their pouches, whipping out his babies. The Dr. Evil wanna be shot a few more times catching Deadpool in the side and the calf. He dodged the last few jumping towards Captain Asshat.

“Tis but a scratch!” Deadpool stabbed into the bed missing chubbs by less than a foot. The man’s toupee flew off as he scrambled for dear life towards the door. “Aw I thought we were just getting started hun. Come back to bed!”

Pool threw a katana at the door sealing it shut.

Captain asshat cringed against the door.

“No bullets left huh chump?”

《Actually I only counted 5 shots.》

[I thought it was 7?]

*bang!*

“5 then.” Deadpool dropped to his knees. He hated headshots. Especially when assholes like this guy didn’t know how to aim.

“Right in the fucking ear bro not cool.” Deadpool shoved a katana into the man's foot.

“Ohhh scream all you want! You know how long it takes to grow back a whole new ear?” Pool picked his ear off the floor. Well this was a mess. A simple break-in job. and now he needs to grow back an ear. Dammit maybe weaz was right.

“I’m off my game.” Deadpool leaned against his Katana pushing it further into asshats foot. “A fake-haired sleezy fatass like you shouldn’t have even gotten a shot off.” Pool pulled out his baby wiping the blood on asshats man blouse. “I gotta get back in there. Serious like you know?” Pool grabbed the man’s arm quickly breaking it.

“Yea yea, maybe you shouldn’t have cheated on your wife huh? BTW you have to leave this penthouse to her along with a least half your money. Actually, I’m feeling generous. Let’s say 2/3 your money. If she ever had to touch that bald head of yours she totes deserves it.”

“Now if you don’t do those things I _will_ come back and I _will_ kill you. Got that baldy?” He ripped his katana out of the door and sheathed it.

“Good day to you sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I suck. This took forever and I'm super sorry about that! Anyway there will be more spidey soon so don't worry!


	7. In today's episode of La piscina de muerte...

“So it’s done then?”

“Yea Weaz, no need to sound all cryptic. This ain't The fuckin Godfather.” Deadpool grumbled over the phone.

“All right all right just askin’ geez. You know you could try to be a little nicer to your best and only friend.” Deadpool finished cleaning his gun setting it down on the coffee table.

“I have other friends...” Pool glanced pointedly at his TV set the beauty of Bea Arthur gracing the screen.

Weasel laughed obnoxiously “The voices in your head don’t count Deadpool.”

“Hardy har Weaz you made a funny.” Wade lowered his voice “Shows what you know, I’m friends with Spider-man...”

“Did you say Spider-man?” Deadpool needed to work on his asides. People always seemed to hear him!

“Well yea It’s cuz you never learned to whisper jackass. You do know you said that out loud right?”

“Weaz shut up or I’m keeping your money.”

“Okay okay...fine.” Deadpool heard Weaz typing away like the nerd he was. “Spider-man this, Spiderman that...”

“Got something to say jackass?” Pool grabbed his Katanas and started gingerly cleaning them.

“Yea. I transferred the clients money to your swiss account, minus my cut. She said she didn’t want to withdraw that much in dollar bills because it might get suspicious. I told her it was fine, what did you want with 10 grand in cash anyway?”

[To take a money bath obviously...]

《I suppose we will have to settle for actual water now.》

“Anyways Deadpool, I got your e-mail about lining up some jobs...by the way who uses e-mail anymore? You could just text you know...”

“I like using hotmail...I can attach important things!”

“Yea, like 16 cat videos?”

“See, important? Sometimes you have to appreciate the classics.”

“Whatever you say Boss. I found some jobs, pretty simple stuff to get you back in the gam...” Deadpool grunted. “I mean ah, you know, um. Fuck you Wilson! I’ll text you the list.” Weaz clicked away once again mumbling to himself about how much he hated this job, and that he should give up and work at a roller rink in miami. Deadpool had a shit eating grin, knowing he didn’t even really have to say anything.

[We have him trained like a lapdog.]

《He is quite useful.》

Deadpool sheathed his babies and sighed grabbing his beer. “I really should be nicer to the guy...”

“Yea you should. The guy would appreciate it. I sent the list. You should get it in a minute. Like I said everything should be easy as pie, except for one. I put it at the bottom... and anyway...send me my cut! and please don’t call me.”

*Click*

“Love you too Weazy.” He scrolled through the list kicking his feet out on the coffee table. There were about twenty merc jobs with varying difficulty

[Too easy]

《Simple》

[boring]

《Muy facil》

[Caliente]

《That just means ‘hot’》

[I know]

《You ruined the flow》

[Look at the last name on the list, Its the perfect adjective.]

Deadpool rolled his eyes at the voice. Even they annoyed him.

Then he actually read the last name on the list. Spider-man.

《Of course》

**[Because obviously we live in a Spanish soap opera]**


	8. WANTED: Hawkguy

“What Jackass, wanna-be, incompetent...”

《Wow, “incompetent”. That’s a pretty big word for you.》

[Wolvie, rest in pieces, yelled it at us a few weeks ago, for no reason at all. Not cuz we tried to sell his claws on ebay or anything... But I mean he was dead! Well, _almost._ ]

“Shut up I’m trying to rant! Where was I... oh yea. Cheap! No good, craptastic kinda villain hires me to kill Spider-man for him.

《Could be a woman》

[Spidey did unconvincingly say he wasn’t gay. That means it could be a woman scorned by his wall crawler ways!]

“Fine them. Whatever parts they got, that is just lazy!”

[I bet it’s the Vulture. He’d probably have a heart attack the next time he saw Spidey.]

《Because the vulture has 25 grand lying around from his many failed bank heists.》

“Point taken. Whoever they are, they don’t know shit. It takes waaaay more than 25 G’s to get me to turn on my best buddies. Unless it’s Bob, or Blind Al, or Weasel I guess. I’d do him for 25 grand sure... But not Baby boy! Not for anything under a Mil. Okay...maybe like 500,000, plus benefits.”

《Wow the integrity on this one》

[Like you don't want 500k. We could build a pool! A Money pool.]

“‘Deadpool’s moneypool’. I like it.” Deadpool sighed at the sight in his binoculars. The Web-head was sitting on the edge of a rooftop eating a sandwich. “But I can’t sell out baby boy.” Pool slumped against the rooftop air conditioner system. “Right?”

《He’s more useful alive...》

[But 25,000 dollars!?]

“I’m conflicted.” Deadpool jumped up throwing the binoculars in a pouch. “I need food.”

《Taco stand at 12 o’clock》

[mmm yes! Mexican]

Deadpool had his civvies on as to not attract an unwanted attention.

《Yea because your flawless complexion helps you blend right in.》

“That’s what the hoodie is for dumb-ass.”

“Señor?” The Latina woman running the Taco stand looked at him confused. She had pretty brown eyes that reminded Deadpool of someone. He couldn’t quite remember who but he felt like he could talk to this woman.

“Sorry Miss?”

“Camilla.” she smiled with those little lines people who smile lots get. Deadpool sighed.

“You see Camilla I’ve got this boyfriend who. I mean a friend that likes boys. Well damn.” Deadpool pulled his hood down a bit. No sense in scaring the nice lady. “Okay so I like this guy, and he’s a lot younger, and smarter, and just better you know?”

Deadpool threw up his hands. “But it’s like... I like him you know? and I’m kind of a mess. and stupid. and a little crazy. The point is I’m not good at being a good guy right?” He leaned forward. “To top all that off I got this job that will, let’s say separate the two of us. Indefinitely.” Deadpool set down his sunglasses and looked her right in those familiar brown eyes. “What I’m asking Camilla. Should I go for it? Is he worth it?  and more than that... am I good enough?¨

Camilla’s eyes went wide. She leaned in close to Deadpool about to reveal all the answers.

“Señor? Lo siento pero, no entiendo. .” Camilla smiled again handing ‘Pool another taco. She gave him a love tap on his scarred cheek, and nudged him on his way.

“Thank you. I understand now Camilla! I just have to follow my heart, and not understand! I need to stop thinking and just go for it!” Deadpool hugged the woman and handed her a large wad of cash. Her brown eyes grew serious. “Gracias Señor” She kissed his cheek and the smile lines returned.

It wasn’t until later that Deadpool realized she never even flinched at his scars.

*** A few days later ***

[Are you done with the lifetime movie yet?]

《It was supposed to be a touching scene. You would have ruined it. Oh wait. You just did.》

[Haha so funny]

Both of you shut up. We need all hands on deck.

《we don’t have hands...Or a deck.》

[We should buy a boat! A pirate ship!]

“We need to figure out who hired us to kill Baby Boy, finish all our other jobs lined up, convince Pete to love us, and make it home in time for enchiladas.” Deadpool’s voice echoed though the park bathroom. He struggled to talk and dress at the same time. His stupid shirt was catching on something.

[Probably our rock hard abs hey oh!]

“Shut up...Stupid frazzle Dazzler...sonuva” He finally managed to get the tight suit on. He pulled his mask out of a pouch after clipping his belt on.

He threw his civvies in the trash. Not like Deadpool wore them much. He was almost always in the suit.

《Maybe that's why it smells like sweat and 3 month old enchiladas.》

[That’s the smell of the American dream]

But he had needed to do more recon on the Spidey-bounty situation. He didn't want to draw any more attention than he normally did, so he decided to go undercover. He didn't find much but it was enough to get him started. With a little nerd help from Weasel that is.

“Okay bitches. Let’s do this.”

《Is it too late to be the voice in Moon Knight's head?》

“TO THE SPIDERCAVE!” Deadpool kicked the park door open and started running to the warehouse district.

“Nanananananananana Deaaaadpoool” He dodged taxies and cranky buisnessmen.

“Taxi!”

“Hey Daredevil! Up high!” Deadpool high fived Matt Murdock who had raised his hand to hail a cab. He didn’t stop running but yelled over his shoulder “We should do a Team Red meet up soon!”

“Stop trying to make ‘Team Red' happen! and I AM NOT DAREDEVIL!”

“Sure thing Daredevil! _See_ you next Tuesday! ohh poor choice of words...”

Deadpool jogged along. It was a couple miles to the Spideycave but that was okay. He needed a workout.

“You can tell by the way I use my walk I'm a wandrin' man no time to talk!” He belted out as he ran. "Stayin' aliiiiiiiiiiiive!"

“MOMMY look its Spider-man!” A little girl pulled at her unimpressed moms hand a few yards ahead. Deadpool glanced back realizing she was talking about him. He sighed and lept spidey- like over the girl. “Just your friendly neighborhood Spider-boy going for a jog! Stay in school, don’t do drugs, and eat your fiber!”

Her giggles and question of “What’s fiber mommy?” faded behind him.

《Wasn’t that cute》

[If I could throw up I would]

“Maybe I _will_  sell you two to Moon Knight” Deadpool flipped off a cab as it grazed his leg running over his right foot. He heard the bones crack, but could feel them healing with each step. “I hear Doc Ock is pretty good at swapping brains these days.”

He had a mile to go when he saw an orange blur fly through an intersection. A second later a red and blue one followed, swinging gracefully.

“YOU CHEAT JOHNNY!” hit Deadpool's ears after the two had already raced a mile down the road.

《Well you don’t see that everyday.》

[This is New York. Yes we do]

Most of the pedestrians didn’t even react to the Heroes. Some fanny-packed “I <3 NYC” wearing tourists snapped a few pics on their phones. Everyone else just carried on like this was just another Thursday.

“Spidey!” Deadpool picked up the pace, wishing he hadn’t eaten so many tacos.

[NO RAGRETS!]

《You’re horrible》

[I know you are but what am I?]

“Idiots!” A woman walking by looked thoroughly offended. " _Not you_."

Deadpool made a hard left hoping to cut the two heroes off. “WEB-HEAD!” He yelled as he ran. “FIRESTORM!”

《Wrong comics》

[Oh I love that Robbie Amell!]

Luckily for Deadpool Spider-man had just swung low. “Wade?” Pool lept onto a table and then piggybacked onto Peter. “What the fudge! Wilson what are you doing”

“I thought I'd swing by and hang out.” Deadpool’s added weight threw the Web-slinger off balance and they both almost fell into the street. Deadpool tensed preparing to take the impact for the both of them. Luckily Spidey shot another web swinging them up the the nearest rooftop.

《The kid has good reflexes》

[We are koala-ing on the love of our life and all you can think about are his reflexes?”

《Those could come in handy》

[Yea in the bedroom]

“Why do I get the feeling you’re being perverse right now.”

“Because I am always perverse...I think.”

Deadpool could practically see Pete roll his eyes as 'Pool (reluctantly) got off his back and onto the rooftop.

《He’s strong too.》

[Also good in the bedroom. If I had eyes I would wink.]

“We already knew he was strong. He punched us in the face remember?”

“Yea, sorry about that Wade.” Spiderman rubbed the back of his neck embarrassed. “You just...really surprised me you know?”

Deadpool waved him off. “I had to reset my jaw, but the bone healed fine.” At this Peter’s Spider-eyes widened.

“I broke your jaw?!”

“Just a little bit. Don’t worry though, seriously my healing factor is so good it makes Wolverine jealous.”

“I usually know how to control my strength. Geez, I’m sorry. You really caught me off guard and I just reacted I guess.”

“Baby Boy its fine. See?" Wade opened and closed his mouth obnoxiously. “All better.”

[But a kiss wouldn’t hurt]

《Actually... after last time I’m not so sure》

With a _woosh_ and a _sizzle_ Johnny Storm landed next to Spider-man. "Yet another defeat Web-head" He glanced at Deadpool perplexed “Wait I know you... You’re the guy who stole Reed’s teleporter!”

“Mine got busted during a job.” Deadpool shrugged.

“So are you here to return it?”

“Actually that one's busted too.” he raised his hands in a 'what can you do' kind of way.

“Awesome. Reed had an absolute meltdown when he found out.” Johnny laughed and held out a fist for Pool to bump. “Johnny ‘Human Torch’ Storm. Nice to officially meet the thorn in “Mr. Fantastic’s" side.”

“Dead ‘Wade Wilson' pool, the merc with a mouth, regenerating degenerate, and lover of mexican cuisine.” Deadpool bumped the kid's fist. “Big fan of the whole light on fire thing.”

“Thanks” storm laughed leaning his arm on Pete’s shoulder “So Webhead that’s 3-0. You should just give up. You know you’ll never win.”

“First of all you cheated, and second Wade jumped me! Like literally. Doesn’t count.”

“Wow Spidey you're getting your webs beat by a matchstick?” 'Pool taunted.

“Thanks to you! Plus he cheated! The jerk lit my webbing on fire!” Spidey gestured to the slight singe on the left arm of his suit.

“Oh you baby. I just flew by, maybe you should make fireproof webbing like you said you would last time I smoked your ass.”

“Yea like I don’t have other things going on. You know how many attacks I’ve had this week? Not like you’re the only thing on my mind you overrated hot head.”

Deadpool interest peaked “Attacks?”

Spider-man stopped glaring at Torch replying nonchalantly “Yea seems like every baddie with a mask has it out for me right now. I even got some low levels criminals this morning. I haven't fought no names in a while. It was actually kind of refreshing.”

“Huh.” Deadpool scratched his head.

《The bounty must be pretty widespread》

“That’s probably because you have a price on your head wall-crawler.”

“Really, how much?” Storm smiled at the news.

“Wow Johnny don’t look so concerned.”

“Oh you aren't a real super hero till you have a bounty. Even Hawkeye has one.”

Deadpool laughed “Yea I think it's up to 50 bucks now.”

“So how much am I worth?” Spidey tried to match their indifference but Deadpool could hear the concern in his voice.

“25k dead, 30k alive. That alive part just got posted this morning”

“Wow Web-head I was only going for like maybe 5,000 when I hit my 2 year hero mark.” Storm sounded both proud and jealous. “Looks like you really pissed someone off.”

“Yea but who? I have Au.. people that need to stay safe. A 25 grand order of Spider-man doesn’t help me do that.” Peter lost his normal joking tone. “I need to keep them safe Johnny.”

“Yea man. I get it, sorry.” He squeezed the kids shoulder and stepped back. “I’ll talk to the rest of the gang and see what I can do. I’m sure that big brain of Reed’s can think of something.”

“Thanks Johnny, tell ‘em I said hi.”

“No problem Bro, what are friends for. Just don’t forget to make those fireproof webs. We need a rematch soon as this mess is settled.” Storm jogged over the side of the building yelling “FLAME ON!” He flew off toward the Baxter building but not before he left a smoking 3-0 above them.”

“He’s such a showoff.” Another Spidey eye roll. At least Deadpool knew those weren’t only reserved for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to every person that wants the FF to go back to Marvel studios so that we can finally have the Johnny Storm/Peter Parker relationship we deserve on the big screen.  
> Someday guys...someday.


	9. With Great Power-- Kill 'em all

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is dedicated to the brilliant team that brought Deadpool to the Big screen. Seeing your favorite character get his due is an amazing experience. Now we just need a deal with Sony to get spidey over here. Then my fangirl dreams would really come true.

“So you’re a wanted man now huh”

“Yea I’m just so irresistible.”

《If only he knew.》

[He’s just asking for it now.]

“Oh baby boy...” Deadpool collected himself, as best he could. “I mean uh Spidey, what’s the plan then?” Spider-man looked confused “What are we gonna do about the people trying to kill you?”

“um...”

“Well obviously you can’t go home, that would be suicide. Or would it be homicide? Maybe negligent superheroing?”

“Wade? I can’t just leave my home. My Aunt, she could be in danger. I can’t just...”

“Who’s the mercenary here?”

“you?”

“Right and who’s killed people before?

“Wade that’s not something to be proud of.”

“Didn’t say anything about pride. I’m talking about the experience. I know how these guys, and gals, think. I _am_ them. If anyone can keep you safe and catch these jackasses it’s me.”

“a fellow jackass?”

“Exactly! wait...” Deadpool hit Spidey on the arm “ that was pretty good actually.”

Spidey rubbed his arm in mild annoyance “so anyways oh experienced one, what’s step two in your brilliant plan?”

“You and I stick together like Cap and AARP, like Ironman and hard liquor, like Wolverine and his sparkling personality, like...”

“Alright, Wade I get the picture. So where are we going to go?”

“Isn't it obvious?”

*30 min later*

“Ah, the spider cave. Seems as if only a few days ago I was giving you the grand tour.”

“That's probably because it was. I'll stay here for one night Wade to get all of this nonsense figured out but after that, I have to go home. My Aunt is going to be worried.”

“Can't you just send her an email letting her know the situation?” Deadpool collapsed on the spideycouch his lap now full of Mexican cuisine.

“Well...” Spidey was seated next to him with a some Chinese takeout from a place in Midtown. There were 2 empty boxes on the floor already devoured by the webslinger. “That would be an option if she knew I was Spider-Man.”

Wade raised his eyebrows burrito halfway to his mouth. “Your Aunt doesn't know!?”

Pete’s cheeks tinged red. “Yea well... It might keep her safer, not knowing.”

Deadpool was glad they had both taken their masks off. It was a lot easier to read baby boy’s face this way. “Yeaaa makes total sense.”

“At least she won't worry about me!”

“And that's working out for you?” Deadpool scarfed down his second burrito. Peter put down his empty box, chopsticks peaking out the top.

[that’s what she said]

《this is getting out of hand》

[ _that's what she said_ ]

“No more ‘that's what she said’ jokes. I mean who are we, Michael Scott?”

“From _The office_? Yea...I could definitely see you as an incompetent boss, with only the best intentions at heart.”

“Steve Carell was pretty good I guess. I think my audition was just too intense. They weren't ready for Wade Wilson’s _The Office._ I was ahead of my time. The hunger games pretty much stole the plot from my notes about season one. Jokes on them, though, that wasn't even the best season. But we are getting off topic.” Pool wiped his mouth with his signature DP handkerchief. “Your aunt _doesn't_ worry?”

Spidey sighed loudly. “Okay so maybe she does a little bit but isn't it better to keep my secret identity...I don't know... Secret?”

Deadpool was starting to notice how gestural Spidey was. He wondered if the kid had any Italian blood. “Peter I don't know how this hero stuff works but I do know that keeping secrets from people who love you is never a good thing.”

There is a long pause; Peter looks down at his hands in his lap.

“Secrets always come out baby boy. From experience, I can tell you it's always better coming from the source.”

“But isn't it too late now? I mean I’ve been Spider-man for _two years_. That's two whole years of lies. Not just small ones either. I have lied to her about things No one else would have.” Pete put his head in his hands. Deadpool couldn't tell if he was angry or sad or both. He didn't know what to do.

[hug him]

《Pun your hand on his shoulder and say ‘there-there’. That's how they do it in the movies right?》

“I can’t imagine anything too bad hiding in your closet.” Deadpool started to laugh but the look Pete shot his direction turned it into an uncomfortable cough. “What..” He stopped again. “Seriously Peter nothing you’ve done can be that bad.” Ignoring the voices yelling at him to stop he reached for his utility belt. He grabbed one of his favorite guns and held it in front of the young heroes face.

Spider-man tried to interrupt him “Wade what...”

“This.” Deadpool cut him off shaking the gun anger entering his own voice. “This is something to be ashamed of. Do You want to know how many people have died by this gun alone? I sure do.” Peter’s eyes widened but Pool kept going. “ I don’t even remember how many people I have killed at this point.” He gave a short cold chuckle “Not all of it my fault. Memory is a fickle thing; Butler taught me that...”

《Let's not bring that up now.》

[Yea Earth to Wade we want to make him feel better not terrified of us!]

“Nevermind. The thing is the kid, I have done things that Stalin would be proud of. You? You have guys like _Captain America_ vouching for you. You say you’ve only been at this two years and you already got guys like the Avengers giving you respect. Heh. I can’t even get Hawkeye to return my calls, and she’s on the _Young_ Avengers.” Deadpool put down the gun forcing his hand to steady.

《You know this happens when we think about them.》

“That’s why I’m trying not to think about them, you idiot.”

“Wade?”

“Yeah. Sorry got lost for a second there. The point is there is basically nothing you could do to make your Aunt stop loving you” Deadpool grabbed his mask in an attempt to slip it on.

Peter Parker stopped his hand.

[Our heart just skipped a beat. Like we’re in a John Hughes movie]

“I... I killed my uncle Ben.” Deadpool’s shock must have been clear because Pete drew his own hand back into his lap.

“I don’t believe that.” He couldn’t believe that. The Spider-man he knew could never kill anyone, let alone his own Uncle. Who, from what Pool had gathered was basically a father to the young orphan.

[Looks like we aren’t so different after all.]

It was Peter’s turn to laugh without humor. Deadpool almost cringed at the sound.

“Wade I killed him. I didn’t pull the trigger but I might as well have.”

Stop. That was all Deadpool could think of. He couldn’t take another person letting him down. Not _this_ person.

“I had just gotten my powers. I was using them to get money. I... I was at a little diner just getting something to eat you know? The place was basically empty. The owner was a real jerk, but he had great strawberry shakes. So I left my tip on the table and walked out the door... But a guy I couldn’t even tell you what he looked like, he pushed passed me with a gun. I knew he was going to rob the place. You  could see it on his face, by the way, his eyes stared into mine as if daring me to stop him. I remember those eyes so clearly. I looked away from his eyes and the poorly concealed gun and walked. I heard the owner of the diner, I think his name was Henry, yell for help. He asked me to call the police. He didn’t know that I could have stopped it.” Peter was barely talking to Deadpool anymore. Deadpool was patient even though every fiber of his being was screaming to run. He didn’t want to hear this but Baby Boy needed him.

“Did you know I can lift 20 tons? I know. I checked. But I couldn’t stop for two minutes to stop a robbery because it wasn’t my business and the guy had been a jerk to me a few times. Just because... I didn’t understand the responsibility that this power gave me.”

He stopped suddenly and Deadpool didn’t know what to do. So he didn’t do anything.

  
  
  
  
  


They sat in silence for what felt like forever to the Merc.

 

《It’s been half a minute》

 

[Yea FOREVER]

 

“Shut up. Let him finish.”

 

Pete looked at Deadpool then. Seeming to remember that he was, in fact, talking to someone. “My uncle was mugged that night. I killed him.”

For a minute, Deadpool didn’t connect the dots. Then he was pissed off.

“You are an idiot.”

“Are you talking to me? Or the voices? Sometimes it gets hard to...”

“Peter Parker: Idiot-man that’s what they should call you! I can’t believe this. I know it’s part of the superhero gig to be angsty and feel like everything's your fault but this Parker guilt takes the cake.” Peter’s anger met Deadpool’s.

“What the hell man?”

“Peter you were a kid! You still _are_ a kid. What the fuck were you supposed to do?”

“With great power...”

“ _Fuck that!_ ” Deadpool grabbed Peter’s face then, right between his hands. He didn’t even realize that his gloves were off and that Peter didn’t flinch at his scars. “That was not on you Baby boy. That was on whatever scumbag shot your uncle for a few bucks. It was _not_ _on you._ Do you understand me?” His voice had dropped; it was the way he spoke on Jobs. Pete eyes wide, he nodded.

《You're still holding his face.》

“Sorry.” He removed his hands “Just don’t ever say shit like that again.” Deadpool hands were steady once again but he was still bubbling with anger but deep in his stomach, he felt a familiar tug.

《Really? You’re horny right now?》

[Stress makes people horny. That’s science!]

“I am not horny! That’s called _sympathy_ you idiots.”

“That ‘idiots’ was plural so I am going to assume that it wasn’t directed towards me. But tell whoever it is I don’t want your sympathy.” Peter rubbed his jaw in the places where Pool’s fingers had been. 

“You haven't told that to anyone have you?"

“No. I have almost confessed to my aunt _so_ many times.”

“But you are afraid she’ll stop loving you?”

“Stop loving me? She will probably never speak to me again. Uncle Ben, he was the love of her life. Love is the least of my concerns Deadpool.” That stung a bit. Pool thought he say Peter sag a bit.

“Spidey from everything you have told me today it sounds like your Aunt cares about you a lot. Sounds like you care about her a lot. If I had somebody like that secrets would be the last thing from my mind.” Deadpool was lying through his teeth. But they were not the same, him and Peter Parker. His Uncle’s death had brought the hero out of him. The death of Deadpool’s parents, well no one would be asking him to join any Superhero teams anytime soon. It wasn’t like he would be advertising their deaths.

“You gotta tell her Peter. She _will_ forgive you. I know you don’t want to hear this but you gotta forgive yourself too.”

[Coming from the man who has a museum for his guilt inside his messed up head.]

“Yea. I’ll get right on that.” Spidey curled up on the couch. He was like a little Spider-creampuff Deadpool mused. He rested his head on the back, staring at the ceiling. Deadpool was reminded once again of how much he respected this kid.

The silence grew. Spidey thwiped the box of Chinese food back to him. He started scarfing down the food expertly using the chopsticks. Seemingly reading his mind Pete laughed out “I couldn’t even hold chopsticks till I got bit by that dumb Spider two years ago.”

“Lucky you. Poolio had to learn the old fashioned way: by eating double my weight in Chinese food.” Deadpool grabbed his own slightly more Mexican cuisine from the table. They fell back into their usual witty banter. Deadpool making the kid uncomfortable with his sophomoric humor and the kid expertly twisting Pool’s words to ease the sexual tension. It was a familiar rhythm. Deadpool almost missed the seriousness in Pete’s voice about to make a dirty joke about somebody’s (two guesses who) ass.

“Deadpool what am I gonna do about the Mercs?”

The smile on Deadpool’s face widened.

“Oh, that... I’ll just have to kill ‘em all.”

 


End file.
